Fear of Losing

Contests and competitions are there to be won or at least they are there for your to put your best effort to win. There might be various other opinions about this. Spiritual scriptures, especially those who are fatalist, tend to advocate the passivity towards winning. That is, your actions are what you can control and not their outcomes. Hence, put your best effort and do not worry about the outcomes. This is so easier said than done. If one were not to worry about the outcome, why put in so much effort?

So, for all worldly activities, one tends to worry about the outcome however dispassionate one is about that. Results, after all, matter a lot. A single result in favor makes a lot of difference in the personal growth, career or academic, A single bad result sets one back in every respect associated with the activity. 

Having participated in a competitive effort and waiting for the result, I am also going through these conflicting thoughts. To the worrying family members and friends, I tend to wave a dismissive hand and indicate that I am not worried. But I am worried indeed. Interestingly, the my conflicting selves jostle for the prominence of their notions. The one that worries about the outcome is routinely quashed by the other, egotistic self that pretends not to worry and dismiss the anticipation with some reference to fatalism or spirituality. But the other self routinely props up and gnaws into my brain with worry about the future. 

What if I prevail? What if I do not? So and so will be achieved if I prevail. All that will be red herring if I do not prevail. What could I have done better to make sure that I prevail? Did I put in my best possible effort? Did I ignore something or procrastinate and will that cost me dear? Do I believe in the reassuring words of my near and dear ones? Do I assure myself with the help of those external assurances? Or are they irrelevant? Are they sham and artificial? 

They say if something is wished for with sincerely, that happens? Have I wished sincerely? If I have wished sincerely, same might be the case with others I am competing against? Whose wishes are more sincere? Whose dreams are more powerful? Whose luck is stronger? 

Do I prepare for celebration or sorrow? What would I do if I prevail? What would be my mental reaction if I do not? 

These thoughts, arguments, counter-arguments and questions shall perhaps grow more intense in the coming day or two. Probably once the unknown becomes known, my mind shall have true rest. If the outcome is positive, the rest will be joyful and quicker. If it is on the contrary, my fatalist self shall have to do some cajoling and persuasion to pacify my expectant self. The peace will come either way, through a happier path or a more thorny one. 

10:00 AM 08 February 2019